'Kids Are Resilient' and 7 Other Lies Divorcing Parents Should Stop Believing

'Kids Are Resilient' and 7 Other Lies Divorcing Parents Should Stop Believing YourTango January 14, 2015 Photo Credit: iStock

Photo Credit: iStock

By Debra Macleod

As a former divorce mediator, and current couples and family mediator, I have heard every excuse that parents use to feel better about breaking up their family. In this article, I’ve outlined several of the most common lies that you might be telling yourself if you’re considering divorce. Before you believe them, or give up on your marriage, you might want to check out my Marriage SOS book series and do some serious soul-searching.

More from YourTango: My Marriage Ended And My God, The Loneliness Is Killing Me  

1. My kids want me to be happy.
No, your kids want their biological mom and dad to get their act together, behave like grownups, and create a stable, happy home for them. Kids are focused on their own happiness and childhood gives them that privilege.

2. My kids will be better off.
Probably not. Research shows that children of divorce experience higher rates of emotional and behavioral problems. They are also more likely to experience poverty and mistreatment, whether it is outright abuse or cruel indifference, from an unrelated adult in the home.

3. My next marriage will be better.
That’s unlikely. Second and subsequent marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. Why? Because people rarely change and tend to repeat the same poor behaviors. Plus, subsequent marriages often involve stepkids and blended families, which ramps up the drama and conflict all the more.

4. My relationship with my children won’t change.
Yes, it will. A parent who does not live under the same roof as his or her child cannot have the same stature or influence in that child’s life as a parent who does. Whether it’s a 2 a.m. nightmare or a house fire, you’re simply not there to do your job.

Regardless of the reason for the divorce, chances are good that at some point, your child will resent you for breaking up the family unit. Even worse, your child will likely blame him/herself, rationalizing that he/she was not “lovable” enough for the biological parents to work through their problems.

More from YourTango: 10 Tips For Raising Perfect, Unspoiled Kids

5. I won’t have any regrets.
You probably will. Once emotions have cooled and you have your distance, you’ll look back and wonder whether you should have worked harder to save your marriage and family. This regret will deepen as you move into old age and realize you will never feel the pride that comes with having your children and grandchildren admire you as the family patriarch or matriarch.

6. We shouldn’t stay together for the kids.
Actually, I can’t think of a better reason to stay and work through your problems with humility and determination. Help is out there for those who have the strength of character to be accountable and ask for it.

7. Divorce will solve my problems.
If you have kids together, divorce won’t solve your problems; it will only create a new set of problems. You will worry about your ex-husband’s new girlfriend, and whether she’ll call you if your child gets sick or scared. You will worry about your ex-wife’s new boyfriend, and whether he’s the one giving your child a bath.

Don’t fool yourself. It’s unlikely your ex-spouse will remain single for long, and once he or she starts dating, you will have no control over the strangers that waltz in and out of your child’s life.

8. Kids are resilient and will adapt to the new situation.
Think this won’t affect them in the long-term? Kids don’t adapt … they make do. When you break up their home or bring your new love interests into their life, they hunker down emotionally and do their best to cope. Like it or not, you have taught them that love is unreliable. As adults, children of divorce are more likely to also be divorced and break up their own families.

Of course, divorce isn’t always a bad thing. It’s the best course of action in some cases, such as abuse, unmanaged personality disorders and infidelity, to name a few. There are rare cases where one spouse is entirely at fault and where kids are better off having a destructive or dangerous parent out of their home or even out of their life.

But the fact is, most broken homes are caused by two self-focused, short-sighted adults who wallow in their own misery and rancor for each other, instead of keeping their promises to work through their problems—to put their spouse’s needs ahead of their own and to see conflict from his or her point of view; to put their obligations as parents above their own pettiness as partners and to do whatever it takes to bring happiness back into their marriage and home.

Frankly, I don’t see a lot of people doing this. They’re quick to anger, quick to blame, and quick to bail. They always think the grass will be greener over the next fence. Personally and professionally, I think it’s time for spouses to put family obligation at the top of the list, far above the shifting sands of personal desires.

Why? Because obligation provides staying power. A sense of obligation toward your spouse and children is the glue that keeps the home together through the weak and angry spots, giving strength and love a chance to return. It binds a couple together while they work through their problems.

A sense of obligation to others is a virtue, but it’s one that our self-focused culture has largely abandoned. The ancient Romans called it pietas. In its loosest sense, it was the highly-esteemed “sacred duty” to one’s biological family, one that superseded self-interest. It’s an Old World virtue that the New World would be wise to embrace.

Debra Macleod is a YourTango Expert and couples’ mediator turned relationship author-expert who uses her extensive training, experience and skill set to help individuals and couples save their relationships, avoid divorce and make positive changes to their family and personal lives.

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Tango House, The Show

The audience is the best judge of success: it explodes with applause after each number of this show, punctuated with cheers of “Bravo!”

Most of the Cast and managers of the Tango House posing in New York's Times Square. With the cast members Hector Pablo Pereyra, Carolina Jaurena, Andres Bravo, Maria Blanco, Jorge Torres, Leah Barsky, Ayelen Pais Negrin, Leonardo Luizaga, Adriana Salgado Neira, Orlando Reyes, Zoya Altmark, and Michael Nadtochi . 

From the romantic Tango Waltz to the traditional Tango numbers, filled with glowing passion and playfulness, to the vocals and musical numbers performed by a typical Tango orchestra, the show tantalizes the senses and keeps the audience electrified, energized and glued to their seats.

This tango show, now recreated in New York, has been featured at the renowned La Esquina Carlos Gardel Theater in Buenos Aires, Argentina for the past 12 years and has been viewed by over 1.8 million people. The show is a 75-minute live tango performance featuring dancing couples, musicians and singers. This is the first time La Esquina Carlos Gardel is showcased in the U.S. and Tango House is the only venue in the U.S. where to see it. Its producer, Juan Fabbri, is the foremost impresario of tango and 25-time winner of the prestigious Martin Fierro Award, granted by APTRA, the Association of Argentine Television and Radio Journalists.

The 75-minute show is a cultural milestone that brought together in New York City some of the most accomplished professional dancers, singers and musicians, trained from their early childhoods in Argentina, Russia, Colombia and Israel. The Malbec Tango House theater is situated near the NYU Manhattan campus at Astor Place, with the bar in the foyer, the audience seated mostly at the tables enjoying the drinks from the bar, if they so choose.  After the show many in the audience stay to dine at Malbec House restaurant, upstairs. The Show is everything you’d expect from Argentine Tango and then some, emphasizing the harmony of music, lyrics and dance, the fluid sculptures of sensuality, drama and joy, beauty and passion, unique to Tango.

To visit the New York City and not to see this off-Broadway show would be a cardinal sin, and even more so if you live in the city's 5 boroughs. The show is on, six days a week, Tuesday through Sunday, at: TANGO HOUSE, 428 Lafayette Street (between 4th St & Astor Place), New York, NY 10003. Call (212) 419-4645 for the show or dinner reservations at Malbec House restaurant, or visit http://www.tangohouse.net
Nearest Subway Stations: 8 St - NYU (N, R); Astor Pl (4, 6); Bleecker St (4, 6).

US Media Lying Any Chance They Get

When President Barack Obama was heckled during his speech to Israeli students in Jerusalem on Thursday, Mar-21, 2013, the U.S. media went ballistic reporting that the heckler was a student calling for the release of convicted spy Jonathan Pollard. Wolf Blitzer of CNN, even devoted an entire long segment to the issue. However, as Israeli media reported and did the heckler himself, the heckler was apparently an Israeli Arab student, shouting at Obama about the Palestinians, rather than about Pollard as was falsely reported in the US.

The Arab student even gave an interview to a radical U.S.-based anti-Israel website, proudly claiming responsibility.

The Huffington Post noted at the time: "'A reliable Hebrew speaker seated near pool says the shouting was about [Jonathan Jay] Pollard,' the pool report said. 'We presume calling for his release.'" 

Whoever the "reliable Hebrew speaker" was, they were translating the wrong language: the heckler was apparently heckling Obama in Arabic.

But the habitual misrepresentation of the news in a politically-advantageous narrative took over: The hoax reported as "a disgruntled, hard-line Israeli Jew, mocking the U.S. President and trying to shut down debate" was too tempting for the U.S. media not to launch.  So, off they went, spinning, and then spinning some more. It did not matter that it was an outright lie, which can later be disguised as a "mistake" when caught red-handed. 

President Barack Hussein Obama himself ad libbed another shot at his domestic opposition: "It made me feel at home," he said. "I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I didn’t have at least one heckler."  Well, we American citizens, feel right at home with our media habitually lying through their teeth any chance they get to manufacture the news, instead of reporting it. We are so accustomed to it, we wouldn't feel at home without it. 

____________________
See, e.g.: http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Journalism/2013/03/22/Did-Media-Get-Obama-Heckler-Story-Wrong

Congressional Testimony by Father of Two Victims of Columbine School Shooting

  On Thursday, May 27, 1999, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado, was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee's sub-committee on Crime. What he said to our national leaders was painfully truthful. They were probably unprepared for what he was to say, nor was his denunciation of our pop culture received well or received coverage in the media. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every “expert”! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. Because of the virtual blackout by the Main Media, to some, his testimony may appear to be a "hoax." Let me assure you, it is not. I personally checked its authenticity: it comes directly from the Congressional transcript.  (E. Ross, PhD, publisher).

TESTIMONY OF

DARRELL SCOTT ·

FATHER OF TWO VICTIMS OF

COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

LITTLETON, COLORADO

*********

BEFORE THE SUBCOMMITTEE ON CRIME, HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE,

UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 1999

2:00P.M.

2141 RAYBURN HOUSE OFFICE BUILDING

Since  the dawn of creation there  has been  both good and  evil in the  heart of men  and  women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence.

The death  of n1y wonderful  daughter, Rachel  Joy Scott, and  the  deaths of that heroic teacher and the other  1 J  children  who died  must  not be in vain.     Their blood cries out for answers.

The tirst recorded act of violence was when Cain slew  his brother  Able out in the field.   The villain  was not the club he used.  Neither was it the NCA,  the National  Club Association. The true killer  was Cain and the reason  for the murder  could only be found  in Cain’s  heart.

In  the days that  followed  the Columbine tragedy,

I was amazed at how  quickly fingers  began to be pointed  at groups such as the NRA.

I am not a member of the NRA. I am  not  a hunter.   I do  not even  own a gun.  I am not here to represent or defend the NRA  − because I don't believe that they  are responsible for my

daughter's death.  Therefore I  do  not  believe that they  need to be defended. If I believed they  had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would  be their  strongest opponent.

I am here today  to declare  that Columbine was not  just  a tragedy - it was a spiritual event  that should be forcing us to look  at where the real blame lies!

Much of that  blame lies here  in this  room. Much of that  blame lies behind  the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves.

I wrote a poem  just 4 nights  ago that express my feelings best.  This was written way  before I knew  I would be speaking here today.

Your laws ignore our deepest  needs.
Your  words arc empty air. You've stripped away our heritage  You've outlawed  simple prayer.


Now  gunshots fill our classrooms
And precious children die. You seek  for answers everywhere And ask the question "Why"?


You regulate restrictive  law
Through legislative creed
And  yet you fail to understand
That  God  is what we need!

Men  and  women  are 3 part beings. We all consist of body,  soul, and spirit.  When  we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make­ up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred  to rush in and wreck havoc.

Spiritual influences were present  within  our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries.   This  is a historic fact.

What  has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor  God, and in doing so, we open the doors  to hatred  and violence.

And  when  something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs  − politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA.       They immediately seek to pass more  restrictive laws that continue to erode away  our personal and private liberties.

We do not need more restrictive laws.  Eric and Dylan  would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of new laws  can stop someone who spends  months planning this type of massacre.

The  real villain lies within our own hearts. Political posturing and restrictive legislation are not the answers.

The young people  of our nation hold the  key. There is a spiritual awakening taking place that will not be squelched!

We do not  need more religion. We do not need more gaudy television evangelists spewing out verbal religious garbage. We do not need more million dollar church buildings  built while people  with  basic needs are being ignored.

We do need  a change of heart and an humb1e acknowledgement that this nation was founded on the principle of simple trust in God!

As my son Craig lay under that table  in the school library  and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes − he did not hesitate  to pray in school.  I defy any Law or politician  to deny  him that  right!

I challenge  every young  person in America  and around  the world  to realize that on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School − prayer was brought  back to our schools.  Do not let the 
many  prayers  offered by those students be in vain.

Dare  to move into the new  millenium  with a sacred disregard for legislation  that violates your conscience and denies  your  God-given right  to communicate with Him.

To those of you who would  point  your finger  at the NRA− I give to you a sincere challenge. Dare  to examine your own  heart  before you cast the first  stone!

My daughter’s death  will not be in vain.  The young people of this country will  not allow  that to happen

Video, that will make you cry: What Christmas Is About

Warning, get yourself a tissue...

Experts: American capitalism has descended into the abyss of Marxism

  In the 70 years of Soviet power, which precipitously imploded by 1991, Pravda was the No 1 organ of Communist propaganda, only to be closed down along with other Soviet institutions, as the Soviet Uinion came crumbling down in 1991. Another publication, in a popular on-line tabloid format assumed this name popular with the Russians. It has no relation to, no staff, no pedigree from the orginal newspaper with the same name.  Nowadays, there are nearly forty (40) political parties in democratic Russia, most of them represented in the Russian Parliament (Duma).  In this Pravda-printed article about America's descent into Marxism, of a particular interest is the author's observation that American population has been successfully dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system. Never mind its bookish language, pay attention instead to the clarity of the analysis. Eric Ross, PhD

American capitalism gone with a whimper

by Stanislav Mishin  27.04.2009 

It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American decent into Marxism is happening with breath taking speed, against the backdrop of a passive, hapless sheeple, excuse me dear reader, I meant people.

True, the situation has been well prepared on and off for the past century, especially the past twenty years. The initial testing grounds was conducted upon our Holy Russia and a bloody test it was. But we Russians would not just roll over and give up our freedoms and our souls, no matter how much money Wall Street poured into the fists of the Marxists.

Those lessons were taken and used to properly prepare the American populace for the surrender of their freedoms and souls, to the whims of their elites and betters.

First, the population was dumbed down through a politicized and substandard education system based on pop culture, rather then the classics. Americans know more about their favorite TV dramas then the drama in DC that directly affects their lives. They care more for their "right" to choke down a McDonald's burger or a BurgerKing burger than for their constitutional rights. Then they turn around and lecture us about our rights and about our "democracy". Pride blind the foolish.

Then their faith in God was destroyed, until their churches, all tens of thousands of different "branches and denominations" were for the most part little more then Sunday circuses and their televangelists and top protestant mega preachers were more then happy to sell out their souls and flocks to be on the "winning" side of one pseudo Marxist politician or another. Their flocks may complain, but when explained that they would be on the "winning" side, their flocks were ever so quick to reject Christ in hopes for earthly power. Even our Holy Orthodox churches are scandalously liberalized in America.

The final collapse has come with the election of Barack Obama. His speed in the past three months has been truly impressive. His spending and money printing has been a record setting, not just in America's short history but in the world. If this keeps up for more then another year, and there is no sign that it will not, America at best will resemble the Wiemar Republic and at worst Zimbabwe.

These past two weeks have been the most breathtaking of all. First came the announcement of a planned redesign of the American Byzantine tax system, by the very thieves who used it to bankroll their thefts, loses and swindles of hundreds of billions of dollars. These make our Russian oligarchs look little more then ordinary street thugs, in comparison. Yes, the Americans have beat our own thieves in the shear volumes. Should we congratulate them?

These men, of course, are not an elected panel but made up of appointees picked from the very financial oligarchs and their henchmen who are now gorging themselves on trillions of American dollars, in one bailout after another. They are also usurping the rights, duties and powers of the American congress (parliament). Again, congress has put up little more then a whimper to their masters.

Then came Barack Obama's command that GM's (General Motor) president step down from leadership of his company. That is correct, dear reader, in the land of "pure" free markets, the American president now has the power, the self given power, to fire CEOs and we can assume other employees of private companies, at will. Come hither, go dither, the centurion commands his minions.

So it should be no surprise, that the American president has followed this up with a "bold" move of declaring that he and another group of unelected, chosen stooges will now redesign the entire automotive industry and will even be the guarantee of automobile policies. I am sure that if given the chance, they would happily try and redesign it for the whole of the world, too. Prime Minister Putin, less then two months ago, warned Obama and UK's Blair, not to follow the path to Marxism, it only leads to disaster. Apparently, even though we suffered 70 years of this Western sponsored horror show, we know nothing, as foolish, drunken Russians, so let our "wise" Anglo-Saxon fools find out the folly of their own pride.

Again, the American public has taken this with barely a whimper...but a "freeman" whimper.

So, should it be any surprise to discover that the Democratically controlled Congress of America is working on passing a new regulation that would give the American Treasury department the power to set "fair" maximum salaries, evaluate performance and control how private companies give out pay raises and bonuses? Senator Barney Franks, a social pervert basking in his homosexuality (of course, amongst the modern, enlightened American societal norm, as well as that of the general West, homosexuality is not only not a looked down upon life choice, but is often praised as a virtue) and his Marxist enlightenment, has led this effort. He stresses that this only affects companies that receive government monies, but it is retroactive and taken to a logical extreme, this would include any company or industry that has ever received a tax break or incentive.

The Russian owners of American companies and industries should look thoughtfully at this andthe option of closing their facilities down and fleeing the land of the Red as fast as possible. In other words, divest while there is still value left.

The proud American will go down into his slavery without a fight, beating his chest and proclaiming to the world, how free he really is. The world will only snicker.

Stanislav Mishin

The article has been reprinted with the kind permission from the author and originally appears on his blog, Mat Rodina

http://english.pravda.ru/opinion/columnists/27-04-2009/107459-american_capitalism-0/#

Copyright © 1999-2012, «PRAVDA.Ru». When reproducing our materials in whole or in part, hyperlink to PRAVDA.Ru should be made. The opinions and views of the authors do not always coincide with the point of view of PRAVDA.Ru's editors.

END OF ARTICLE

And now, if you are really interested in the subject of how Marxists orchestrated a cultural revolution, the following  is a must see video. America is stuck with Marxism as generations of Americans have been brainwashed in it.